It Never Would's Worked Out Anyway
by An Angel Named Lucifer
Summary: My attempt at humor, while I was hyper after drinking Pepsi Twist. A bit of a song fic. Please read!


Authors Note: This takes place when Arwen is giving Aragorn her necklace, saying that she would spend a lifetime with him, you know the drill. I apologize in advance to all of the people who might read this; I know I'm crazy. Sing the song to the tune of "It Never Would'a Worked Out Anyway" by Brad Paisley. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing; song belongs to Brad Paisley, characters to J. R.R Tolkien. Don't sue and deprive me of the floppy disks and pictures of Orlando Bloom, they are special. I need those to survive!  
  
Aragorn and Arwen stood, clasping hands. Arwen took off her flower necklace and pressed it into his palm. Aragorn paled. "You cannot give me this," he said, trying to put it back into her hand.  
  
Arwen looked shocked. "Why not? Don't you love me? I- I thought you loved me!" she said, paling dramatically.  
  
Aragorn regained his composure. "I did, when I thought you were a woman. Now, you just scare me." He started to walk away.  
  
"WHAT? When you THOUGHT I was a woman? Since when I have I NOT been a woman?" Arwen screeched, breaking the tranquility of the scene, scaring the birds into flight. Laughter was faintly heard in the background.  
  
"Boromir, he said that you, you were a man. I just can't handle that, sorry." Aragorn said, the color rising in his cheeks. The laughter in the bushes got louder, along with the sound of snapping twigs. Boromir swung onto the scene dramatically on a vine, making Tarzan noises.  
  
"How could you do that to me! You evil, inconsiderate beast! You ALWAYS do this! I hate you! Whenever I find a good guy you always screw it up!" Arwen screeched, turning red and pounding her fists against Boromir's chest. Boromir stepped back onto a raised part of the ground, picked up an Elvish guitar and started to play.  
  
"Oh lighten up, where's your sense of humor  
They're just tiny little rumors  
That I started 'cause I'm lookin' out for you  
Oh settle down, I'm just a little jealous  
And I'm sure those other fellas  
Never once believed the lies I told were true  
Like the time I told that cowboy that you used to be a man  
And the doctor you were datin' that you hide your wedding band  
Even if I am responsible for scaring them away  
You really ought to thank me, I was doin' you a favor  
'Cause it never woulda worked out anyway  
Oh can't you see, the reason that I'm doin'  
All the crazy things I'm doin'  
Is because I really care about you girl  
And I'll admit I go a little farther  
Than I know I probably oughta  
But it's all because I need you in my world  
Like the time I told that lawyer that you spent a year in jail  
And the salesman you were seein' you hang out at cheap motels  
Even if I am responsible for scaring them away  
You really ought to thank me, I was doin' you a favor  
'Cause it never woulda worked out anyway  
I can't stand the thought of you with anybody else  
I know I've gone overboard but I can't help myself  
Like the time I told that dentist you had seven little kids  
And you doubled as a dancer at the strip joint on the ridge  
Even if I am responsible for scaring him away  
You really ought to thank me, I was doin' you a favor  
'Cause it never woulda worked out anyway  
It's all because I love you and I can't stop thinkin' of you  
And it never woulda worked out anyway"  
  
At this point, the Hobbits rolled out of the bushes, bright red, and laughing their heads off. Arwen glared at them all and screeched, "I don't care if you love me! You screw up everything! And YOU!" she whirled and turned on the poor, defenseless Hobbits, picking up Sam and shaking him by his ankles. "Any of you say one word about this, and I will hunt you down, and make Orc food out of you! You got it?" she snarled, dropping poor Sam on his head.  
  
"Yes Sir... uh, Ma'am!" Pippin said, running full tilt away from her after his little mistake.  
  
"I AM A WOMAN!" she screamed after him, taking a wild grab at Frodo. Soon, all the Hobbits were back in the safety of their bushes, their laughter floating over on the wind. Arwen turned to face Aragorn. "See? I am a woman, he's just jealous! He admitted it!" she said, gesturing frantically with her hands.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I will never think of you the same way before. But, if you want to give me that necklace, I'm sure I could get good money for it," he said, shrugging his shoulders, then walking away.  
  
Arwen turned to Boromir, a crazed look in her eyes. "I am so going to kill you!" she said, chasing after him, screeching like a banshee, her arms stretched out in front of her.  
  
In the woods, the Orcs stood silently. "Maybe we should come back next week. This doesn't seem like a very good time," one said, and the troops turned and scuttled back to their camp.  
  
Authors Note: So, you survived? Lucky! I hope I made you laugh, and please review. 


End file.
